went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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