I think I died a long time ago.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
