Don't make out with my wife yet
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
