morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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