He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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