I wish I could teleport
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
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