it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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