I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I think my moral compass just broke
My life is pants optional.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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