I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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