Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
