the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
