I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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