I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
