tell your sister to shave her snatch
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
