guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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