nut hugger
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
