I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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