i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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