He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
