fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
