I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
