the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
