I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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