I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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