I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The air was thick with penises
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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