Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
