just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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