Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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