did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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