Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
