This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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