Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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