so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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