take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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