my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
