I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
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It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
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How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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