new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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