Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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