My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
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She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
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Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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