Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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