woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
