I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
