im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
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well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
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Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.