FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
