Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
