Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
