I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
3 2 1 whiskey
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
