i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
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I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
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He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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