New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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