I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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