His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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