I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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