Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
