Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.