i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Drunk walkin through police station. America
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.