someone threw a dead crab at me
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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